I think it’s really important to be intentional about app dating. If we’re not careful, we can quickly become demoralised if interactions don’t meet our expectations. I’ve written about getting purposeful about partnership and what you’re looking for here. The following advice is on how to approach app dating once you are clear about that.
Firstly, I want you to ensure that you are not approaching dating from a place of lack; ‘there are no great guys/girls out there’, ‘I’ll never find anyone’, but rather from a mind-set of surety and confidence that you will find your person. When we feel confident that we will meet our match, the energy that we bring will be of calm and self-assurance rather than of lack and desperation. Before you log into the app, get yourself into the right mind-set. This could be by repeating to yourself that your person is out there, looking for you too and it’s just a matter of time before you find each other. It might be by putting on a song that makes you feel powerful and confident. Whatever helps you to shift your energy, do it.
Don’t let the dating app be another that you mindlessly scroll through and refresh like Facebook or Instagram; you bring your energy with you onto the app and you don’t want that energy to be bored and distracted so set aside time to engage where your focus is fully on matching and communicating. Once you are engaged in a conversation with someone, be clear about the end of the chat, rather than just disappearing for hours; ‘I have to go and do x now, but it was great chatting to you, and I like to talk more if you’re around later’. This shows your match that you respect their time, but also sets the standard of how you want the engagement to work.
When you’ve been chatting to someone and things are going well, and you have decided that you would like to meet, I highly recommend that you have a phone call/Facetime before you meet them in person. This extra level of screening will give you so much more information about the dynamics between the two of you and can really reduce the number of awkward dates that you find yourself on. If you don’t get along on the phone and you don’t want to meet, just tell your match that you enjoyed chatting to them, but that you didn’t feel the chemistry so you wouldn’t feel right about meeting.
When you do meet someone and you get on really well, it’s so exciting and it can be easy to get carried away. That initial rush of attraction can sometimes lead to us discounting the red flags. To control this and to stop myself from getting carried away I have set out some minimum standards;
Consistency. When you meet the right person, things will flow, there will be no blowing hot and cold, there will be no disappearing for days. You will know that they’re into you and exactly where you stand.
Congruence. Their actions match their words. They do what they say they’re going to do and behave in a way that aligns with the values that they say they have.
Respect. We want someone to respect our time and us.
These keep my feet on the ground when my head’s in the clouds. Yours may be different to mine but I would suggest that you think about them, write them down, share them with your best friend and check in with the list and your friend (who will be more objective than you) as to whether the person is meeting these minimum standards. If not, it is time to reassess the match.
I’m a strong believer that the Universe sends us tests as to what we will accept. When you’re sent someone who has many of the characteristics that you’re looking for but they’re just not quite right, this is a test. Stand in your worth, don’t settle and the Universe will see this and level you up. Have faith; your perfect match is out there and they’re looking for you too. Good luck my loves!
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